I survived another anniversary

Amazingly, today was a really good day. I think I've learned to plan ahead and make lots of plans on days I know will be hard. It was bittersweet looking back 9 years and remembering my wedding. I loved that day, I've always loved it. I spent time in the Temple today and as I walked to my car I realized how stinking hot it is here and memories came flooding back of how hot Sam was in his tux and I in my dress. I don't stop by Sam's grave often, but I made a visit there today. It's easier to visit without the kids. I love his tombstone because it has our marriage date on it!! I even ate Rubio's for the first time since Sam's death. I have been boycotting my favorite place to eat because it was the last meal Sam and I ate together. Then, I thought today I'll eat it for the both of us. I really enjoyed my burrito!! I squeezed in a facial which was fantastic. I highly recommend them, I was quite sad when it was over it felt so good. I ended the night at a vinyl lettering party that was lots of fun. I'm in the process of getting Emery into a twin bed and I bought some fun stuff tonight for her walls. I'm grateful that I could make today a positive day. It doesn't mean I didn't cry some, I still miss him, but I'm glad for such wonderful happy memories!!

Summer Vacation

The entire Olson clan got together last week for a memorable vacation in Cancun. We don't see each other often, so it's a fun occasion when we are all together. It was a very stress free, relaxing vacation. We stayed in an all inclusive hotel right on the beach. It was so nice to not worry about food. I think the we all ate too much though, because the food was great!! I even tried sushi for the first time and loved it. We had an endless supply of smoothies and by the last day we came up with the perfect drink. Emmet and Emery were in heaven with an endless supply of ice cream, pizza and 7up!!

It's so hard to capture in picture how beautiful the water really was. I was amazed at the water's warmth and how soft the sand was. It was quite picturesque. The highlight of the trip was when the hotel sponsored a "keep your balance" game in the pool. Jenny (my sister-in-law) convinced us to try. She going first of course! There was a giant surfboard in the middle of the pool. A person was at each end of the board. The game was to see who could keep their balance the longest. I spanked the competition. They could not get me off of the board. They even lifted half of it up in the air. I was shocked that I could hold my balance so well. Most people couldn't last over 10 seconds. I lasted almost 40 seconds!! I have to say I was pretty proud of myself. I won a shirt!! This little girl later that day, said, "hey your Kira who won that competition". So, I was a celebrity for a day!!! It was fun to be with family. My kids had a great time and there were no hiccups getting to and from Cancun. It went perfectly!! Thanks mom and dad for a great trip.

18 Months

June was a rough month last year. Sam's six month mark, Father's Day and our 8th anniversary hit one Sunday after another. It's funny how grief works, but those significant days somehow are different than other days. It will be 18 months since Sam's death next week. I keep thinking how he hasn't even been gone as long as a mormon mission! There's a lot I've learned in the last 18 months.
--I've adopted the phrase, "make it 'till you fake it" and most of the time it works!
--Kids are resilient. I think Emmet and Emery are the happiest they've been. What a relief it is to see them enjoy their childhood.
--Everyone grieves so differently. I think we all go through the stages in different orders. I've really had to learn that it's okay for those I love around me to grieve differently than me. It doesn't mean they don't miss Sam!!
--You can't go around, under or over grief, you must go through it head on. It's the only way it will not consume you.
-- Writing my feelings down in a journal and blogging is therapeutic. I've never had a gift with words, but that hasn't stopped me and I always feel better when I've written in my journal.
--I have so much to be thankful for.
--I've learned I'm much stronger and capable than I've ever given myself credit.

There's a lot I thought would get easier and hasn't.
--Asking for help. I'm still awful at it, I'm not sure why I am. It's still a puzzle to me.
--Emmet's sweet prayers asking for his dad to come home. That hasn't gotten any easier for me to hear.
--I thought Emery wouldn't talk about her dad, but she does all the time. She's even thrown a few fits screaming for "daddy". --Sleeping by myself, but usually one of the two kids end up in my bed by morning. So, they keep me company.
--Not being able to share the cute things the kids do with Sam.
--Lastly, I really had no idea that still my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night would be of Sam.

So, my point is to enjoy every moment you can with your husband!! They may drive you nuts, but you'd miss them, I promise!!

My little mother

I never knew how much little girls loved babies. Watching Emery with her baby cousins makes me realize how true it is that women are innately nurturers! Since Emery will never be a big sister, I'm thankful she can still have the opportunity to hold babies. She loves it!