Merry Christmas

This was our last Christmas with "daddy"!

Top Ten Reasons Why I Love and Miss Sam!!

I can't believe another year has come and gone. I keep thinking Sam should be heading home, just finishing a two year Mormon mission! How exciting that would be. I am trying to make the two year mark more light hearted so here I go with my top ten list. It's really in no particular order.

1. Sam was a much better cleaner than I am. He always cleaned the bathrooms. I loved it! He also was such a huge help in the kitchen.

2. I loved that he was so much taller than me. He would give me picky back rides, carry me on his shoulders and gave the best hugs.

3. I absolutely loved watching him play with Emmet and Emery. He was always so inventive with them. One of the hardest things for me to cope with is the fact that Sam doesn't have the opportunity to play with his kids, because he loved it!

4. I love sitting in the passenger seat. Sounds silly, but I hate driving.

5. I miss playing tennis, soccer, and going on bike rides. I especially miss going on walks with him.

6. I miss our gospel discussions. We would talk for hours about religion. I have so many questions I still want to discuss with him!

7. I loved that he brought out the fun side in me and helped me not be such a stick in the mud. So many times I would complain about going to a shower or some church function. Sam would convince me to go telling me I would have fun. He was always right. I loved that he would wait up for me to hear all about it!

8. I miss our road trips. We had so much fun driving to California on a whim, relaxing in Mexico or exploring the East coast. He was the best travel companion. Some of our best conversations where during our road trips.

9. I miss his gorgeous blue eyes that always lit up when I walked into the room.

10. I miss and still love my best friend who always helped me be the best I could be and saw my potential. He would never let me criticize myself because he would tell me it hurt too much to hear someone talk so negatively about his favorite person!!

Tree Hunting

I was thinking of one of my favorite holiday memories with Sam . It was Emery's first Christmas and the day after Thanksgiving. Chance was visiting and the five of us headed north to cut down a fresh tree. This was a novelty for us because in AZ we use fake trees! It was a cold morning, but we had so much fun. It was actually quite hard to pick out the "perfect" tree. I remember Chance getting so irritated with us because we were taking such a long time to pick out a tree. What I laugh the most about is how we discarded the tree. Sam just chucked it off our apartment balcony.

Little Moments of Joy

I get asked often what I've learned since Sam has died. I feel it's a loaded question because there's still so much for me to learn, but the past few weeks I've tried to stop and really enjoy the sweet moments I have with my kids. I have found the most comfort and joy in very simple events. I was baking for a young women's activity, I had Christmas music on, Emery was playing in the sink and Emmet was at my feet playing Bakugan and I hadn't felt that happy in a long time. I've realized it's not the big events that bring me joy, but very quiet subtle moments. How grateful I am for those. I'm hoping many moments of "joy" happen in the next few weeks. I thought this year the holidays would be easier, but I'm also learning that it's going to take a lot longer than I thought to make it through the holidays without tears.

I run my own personal nudist colony...

Seriously, I feel like I live in a nudist colony. I think my children are dressed and the next thing I know one of them or both are completely naked. 90% of the time my kids are naked. If you drop by my home unexpectedly you will probably see a cute naked bum running by. It is beginning to drive me crazy. Emery is especially bad. I keep catching her outside riding her bike without any underwear on. I'm sure the neighbors think we're crazy. The first week we were in our house Emmet ran outside buck naked and peed in the rocks just as my next door neighbors were coming home. It was a great introduction. Thanks to her older brother's example, Emery complains that she's not allowed to pee in the rocks. Unfortunately I have caught her trying several times. You would think a 3 and 5 year old could keep themselves dress! I'm going crazy!!!

Grief Help...

A lot of people ask me questions about grief and what they can do for friends who have lost loved ones and I give suggestions, but ironically I don't always feel like I'm an authority on the subject. I just finished reading, "The Grief Recovery Handbook". It was recommended to me and the first book I've ever read about grief. I felt like this book was quite educational and helped explain what grief is and how we aren't raised to be equipped with "loss". I don't recommend buying it unless you have lost a loved one, but I recommend anyone to read the first chapters because it just helped explain what people who have lost loved ones are going through and I think even I will be better equipped to help, "mourn with those that mourn." This book also validated most of the feelings I've felt in the last two years and makes me realize how normal my feelings have been!!

Bakugan Anyone?

Emmet is in love with Bakugan. Bakugan are little round balls that when they connect with a magnet they pop open. I am not kidding Emmet asks me daily to call the local Wal-Marts and Targets to see if the stores have any Bakugan. Usually they don't this toy is in such demand. This last Saturday Emmet's grandpa (Sam's dad) took Emmet to Toys R Us to a Bakugan tournament. Emmet played one round. He lost, but he was also the youngest kid there by three years. Despite losing Emmet couldn't stop talking about it. He is obsessed. Everyday I'm trying to avoid calling stores and playing round after round of Bakugan. I usually have played at least one round of Bakugan by 8am!!

My Baby Brother is Engaged!

Chance proposed this weekend and Angela said yes!! I am so excited he's found such a wonderful girl to marry him!! I can't wait to meet her in person, not just on i-chat!! They're getting married in San Antonio, Texas which makes it even more fun. I've never been to Texas and I've always wanted to. So, congrats Chance!!

My Favorite Thanksgiving

Most of you know I really dislike Thanksgiving. Growing up I always thought of it as a "boys" holiday because they got to play football, eat yummy food, and watch more football. While I always helped in the kitchen making a meal that took days to prepare and only 30 minutes to eat!! But, I do have a favorite Thanksgiving and I wanted to make sure I wrote it down for my kids. It was in 2005 the year Emery was born. We were living in Maryland and that year my youngest brother Chance came to visit. We decided to make our own Thanksgiving. Sam loved to cook, so he was up for the challenge. I think we made so much food we ate it for a week. Sam cooked the turkey himself, he made homemade stuffing and I made my grandma's yummy fruit salad. I also made pumpkin pie (my favorite Thanksgiving desert). I have to say the Turkey turned out great, especially for our first time and using our dinky apartment oven. Sam and Chance stuffed themselves silly and very little football was watched that day! The kids were taking naps while we ate, so we actually could carry on a conversation without crying kids. I look back and am so thankful for our time in Maryland and for my tiny apartment!

Happy Voting Day!

I love voting day!! My kids and I headed out the door at 7am hoping we wouldn't have to stand in line too long. We were there for an hour and it was so fun explaining to Emmet and Emery why we vote and how special our country is. I am thankful to live in a country where my voice can be heard.

Halloween Fun

Despite my lack of enthusiasm for Halloween, my kids had a great time!! They both loved dressing up this year. We kicked off the week by carving pumpkins. My kids were little to no help with this. They think pumpkin "guts" are disgusting and wanted nothing to do with the carving! Emmet chose to be a Ninja this year because it came with 4 weapons!! He carried two big and two small swords on his back. He absolutely loved the weapons!! Emery was of course, a Pink Princess!! She loved wearing her dress, but did not enjoy trick-or-treating. I called her the "mute" princess when it came to trick-or-treating! We spent Halloween at Aunt Shelley's annual Halloween party. The kids loved seeing all of their cousins dressed up. This was the first year Emmet really enjoyed Halloween. And most of you wouldn't believe how gorgeous the night was. I was in jeans, flip flops and a t-shirt and it was so pleasant. We are so lucky our kids don't freeze on Halloween.

Treadmill Suggestions

I am on the hunt to buy a treadmill, but I'm struggling to know which one to buy. I've been doing my research, but there are so many to choose from. So, I was wondering if any of you could recommend the treadmill you have!!

Pumpkin Patch Time

Each year while we lived in Maryland we would make the drive to our favorite pumpkin patch. I always looked forward to this. The pumpkin patch was about 1/2 hour drive North from where we lived. We would take a hay ride out to the pumpkin patch and we could stay out there as long as we'd like to choose our favorite pumpkin. Emmet always loved the hay ride and Sam always brought his inhaler along to make sure he could breathe!!
For some reason Sam loved the gourd. He just laughed and laughed and had me take a picture of it!!
It always amazed me how many of hundreds of pumpkins there were. One year we could never decide on a pumpkin and we came home empty handed!! But we still got fun pictures.
Sam always happily wore the baby bjorn. He would hold Emery has much as possible.

I love this picture, I think it's sweet of Sam and Emery.

Looking Back

October is the start of a few rough months. Two years ago Sam was just beginning his one month stint lying sick in a hospital bed and if I let myself, I can relive each horrific day. It's been a challenge not thinking about what Sam and I went through. His death tugs at my heart everyday, but this time of year it tugs even harder. So, I've created a challenge for myself to write down fun memories Sam and I had together. I thought it would be fitting to start with my favorite Halloween.

I am not much for dressing up, but Sam always brought out my fun side. Sam's oldest sister always throws a great Halloween party. I typically complained about dressing up. It's quite out of my comfort zone. Thankfully, Sam had the ability to "make" me have fun. He convinced me to dress up. Sam loved SNL and since he's a foot taller than me he thought the Spartin cheerleaders would be perfect. And you know what, it was. I had so much fun that night. Sam was a little ridiculous attempting to do cheers jumps and the such, but it was a great night. The pictures still make me laugh.

Emmet's Finally Five!!!

Emmet has been looking forward to his fifth birthday since the day after he turned four!! Seriously, the biggest threat Emmet could give to anyone was, "you're not invited to my birthday!" So I have felt no pressure in delivering him an awesome birthday. I decided the best way to celebrate was by making it a week long celebration!!


We began the festivities with a small gathering at my parent's home. My mom and dad were both in town visiting and they gave Emmet a present and I decided to give him my gift, a bike. That way my brother and dad could do all the work teaching Emmet how to ride a bike without training wheels. Emmet at first hated the bike. The entire time he was on it he was mumbling under his breathe, "this is the worst birthday ever". All I could do was laugh.

As the day continued on he enjoyed going out to ride the bike. We would only go outside for 10 minutes at a time, because it was such a hot day (over 100 degrees). It has started to cool off ( I mean it's in the 90s), so I'm now willing to help Emmet, I just wish I could be the one to fix the skinned knees and not do the running!! Wish me luck.

Emmet's birthday morning was a big day for him. He always promised me that when he was five he would dress himself. He actually remembered and dressed himself, underwear and all. It always makes me laugh what Emmet picks out to wear. He wanted to be extra comfy on his birthday. He also let me know that he expected another present from me. I told him the bike was his present. He then said, "if you don't have a present for me today, I'm quitting my birthday!" I convinced him that I didn't have a present for him to unwrap, but that we would be the first one's at Target and he could choose his own present because he changes his mind so much. He loved that. We used his birthday money from his great grandparents!!

Emmet's birthday is extra special because he shares it with Sam's dad. So we headed to Papa's house where he opened his "dream" gift. It was a huge lego Star Wars ship. With the help of Emmet's eleven year old cousin Collin and Papa we were able to put the ship together. We worked on it for three hours at Papa's house and then I completed it that night while the kids were asleep. Here is the finally product.

Overnight I have become a lego master. Not only did I put most of this together, I am now able to fix it when it breaks. I have the instructions close by. This was not the only set of legos Emmet got for his birthday. I put several different cars, smaller Star Wars ships together and boats together. I calculated that I have spent over six hours putting legos together this week. I'm all legoed out, yet it's been nice having a project to do at night to keep me busy!!

Emmet's birthday culminated this past Friday night at our neighborhood park where we had a Hot Wheels party with family. Emmet absolutely loves his cousins and rarely do they play at a park together. It was such a beautiful evening and the kids had so much fun, most of them didn't even eat dinner. The next morning Emmet asked when his next party was. That means he had a great week, mission accomplished. I'm glad birthdays only come around once a year.

Emery's Birthday Celebration

Yesterday my life changed drastically, I no longer live with a toddler!! I can't believe Emery turned three. It is so strange and sad that my youngest child is three. I am constantly thinking of the next thing to look forward to. It helps keep me motivated!!! So...I love birthdays. Here's a fun run through of Emery's birthday celebration.


It had to be a pink day so we started off going to church in one of her favorite pink dresses!


After church we headed to Chris and Jenny's to i-chat with my parents and Chance. (Since they live in Chicago, including Chance who moved there this weekend. It's nice having 1/2 the family in AZ and the other in Chicago.) Chatting over the internet is wonderful, Emery was able to include Grandma Kathy and Grandpa Kenny in the birthday festivities. They were able to watch Emery open their gifts to her. It's not the same as having them with us in person, but it's a close second!


My mom made Emery a cute new blanket and Emery got another Fancy Nancy book. Her third and I'm sure we will be reading it every night for the next two months.


I just liked this picture!


Aunt Jenny made a giant cupcake for Emery!! Emery loves aunt Jenny!


We spent the night at Nanny and Papa's (Sam's parents) and today, Labor Day, we had a cousin party for Emery. She has been looking forward to her cousin party for some time now. Nanny knows how to throw a party and Emery loved it. She had to wear a "Nanny suit" to swim in!! It's a little big, but she insisted on wearing it.


Emery couldn't wait until the party began so she was able to open one gift from Nanny and Papa. It was this dress, her party dress. She was quite excited to put it on. I took her outside and let her choose which flowers to stand by. I was really hoping to get a good picture of her. She never looked up. Nanny was in the house watching, just laughing. Sam was the same way. I have always said her personality is so much like her father's, but this picture really shows how much alike they are. Sam always cried when he had to have his picture taken when he was younger. So does Emery!!



The plan was to eat lunch, open presents and then swim. The birthday girl was not happy with that and they headed to the pool first. Here she is with some of her cute cousins. Once she went swimming, she was much happier the rest of the day, thankfully.



It is amazing how long she will hang there. It's always done with a huge grin!


Emery really wanted me to eat next to her. The conversation at that table was so fun to listen to. One cousin would say, "you have doodie on your face." The next would say, "no you have doodie on your head." Then all the kids at the table, including Emery would just bust up laughing. It was so funny to listen to and yet so cute to watch them all interacting and carrying on their own conversations.



Emery could not handle all of the attention. Again just like her dad at that age. I ended up blowing out her candles for her. I know she loved the attention, she just didn't want anyone to know she liked it!



Emmet was so cute the entire day. He absolutely loves spending time with his cousins. I was also proud of him because it's been hard for him having Emery's birthday come before his!!!


This is most of Emery's cousins. Some of the babies were inside. What a fun group of kids!!


A day at Nanny and Papa's would not be complete without racing bikes around the track in the backyard. Emery's learned it's more fun to make someone else work. Thanks Maddy.


At the end of the day, Emery put back on her party dress and dressed her baby doll in the same outfit. She was quite happy with such a fabulous day.

How grateful I am to have family that helped make Emery's birthday special. She will be able to think back and remember how loved she is. I can't help but hope that days like today will fill Emery and Emmet with happy memories so when they think about growing up without Sam, that they can have happy memories to replace the ache in their hearts. I know I thought a lot about Sam this weekend and wished he could have been here to celebrate.

A Quick Remodel

I love my home. I love the feeling in it and the little sanctuary it really has become. But, I've hated how small and limited I was in my kitchen.




Notice the bar area is high up and it was scary for the kids to use that area. It was waisted countertop space. So, I got the idea to turn that area into an island and make it all one level. I consulted with my brother-in-law Jason (married to Sam's sister Tamara). He said it could definitely be done. So last week Jason spent Wed. tearing down the existing countertop.

It took Jason most of the day. I have to admit it was so nice to have another adult in the house. I had no idea how hard it would be to take down the countertop, nor how messy.
The second day the countertop guy came over and spent an entire day putting the countertop on. I had never seen a countertop put on and I again had no idea how labor intensive it was. He actually came back the third day to finish. Saturday morning Jason came over at 7:30am to put my kitchen sink in. Hallelujah!! Three days without a kitchen sink was beginning to get to me!!



I don't know if the pictures do it justice. But, I finally have a functional kitchen. I splurged on the red stools, but I couldn't resist. It tied everything together so well. Plus, they are really sturdy!! Sunday morning I was feeding my kids breakfast and I was crying with tears of joy because it was so nice to have them sit at the counter and it has made meal time so much easier. It's the best decision I've made in a long time!! So I had to share!!

Same Dress

Every Sunday in order to make it to church on time, I allow Emery to choose her dress. She often will wear the same dress three weeks in a row. This Sunday she surprised me by choosing a dress that my mom had made for me when I was a little girl. I was reluctant to have her try on the dress for fear it would be too big. I wore the dress when I was five years old. The dress not only fit, but almost was too tight around the neck!! I could not believe it. I pulled out the pictures of me wearing the dress. I don't think Emery is exceptionally tall for her age, I think I was exceptionally short!!




This last picture I took with my phone and Emmet was not happy to be posing for a picture!! I think looking at these pictures Emery's coloring and looks are her dad's!!!