"Without death we should not fully understand
how much we love those who go...It
intensifies our love as nothing else can do."
I believe it would have struck me no matter what time of year it was, but because tomorrow is the three year anniversary of Sam's death I have really reflected on that statement. I obviously have always loved Sam or we wouldn't have gotten married. And throughout our marriage my ability to love him increased with each year and with each child. But with his passing it is hard to explain, but the love and admiration I do feel for him has intensified. I just never have been able to put it to words until I read that quote. The longer he is gone, the more I love him. Sounds weird, but I begin to realize all the great and small things he did for me. I realize how much I took for granted. It is such a blessing to have a husband, who even if he drives you crazy, to share your life with, to share in the ups and downs, to bounce ideas off with, to laugh together about your crazy children, to talk about the gospel with and to validate your feelings. So with each passing day my love and gratitude for Sam increases, helping the ache gets less sever. My hope is one day (sooner than later) when I think of Sam (which is more times than I can count in a day) I will feel only an intense love for him, not a combination of sadness, heartache, loss, and grief. I am told it will come, but to be patient! The quote continues to say,
"And how many of us realize that it may
intensify our love, not only at the moment
it comes, but all our life, if we remember
when we are with people that we may not,
after all, be always with them?"
How true this is! I look at my children, family and friends so differently. I really do try to cherish the moments I have with them, because life is so unpredictable!
One of my favorite songs, especially to exercise to is by Matchbox Twenty, How Far We've Come. When I look back I'm amazed at what I've been able to accomplish. The first year is a total blur. I must have been a zombie and don't remember how I even functioned. Emery was 1 and Emmet was 3! The second year I was coming out of the fog, but was much harder than the first year because I was coming out of the fog. Thank goodness for a great counselor. I had never been to counseling, but I loved it! I looked forward to it. I would come home exhausted, but each time I talked about Sam and his death the whole lessened. I found and still do that talking about Sam's death always strengthens me. This third year has been the best so far. I was able to find a few activities I enjoyed. What really has made all the difference in my little family is Emmet is happy. He's truly happy. I wasn't ever sure if he would be. He loves kindergarten. It fulfills his needs of socialization and feeling smart! Emery is happy and always has been. She talks about her dad often and jokes with me that he's going to show up at our house soon and then says, "just kidding, I know he's dead." They are becoming my best friends thankfully. We have so much fun together and I know as they grow-up we will enjoy each other even more.
This next year comes with more change. Emery will start kindergarten, an event I am already fearing. It's all day and though most moms cherish the quiet time, I don't. But if there's one lesson I've learned, but have to keep reminding myself is, life can change quickly. So...I will worry about that when its time!
I am continually thankful that Sam listened to the promptings of the Spirit throughout our marriage, making great choices that now allow me to stay home with Emmet and Emery. What a gift.
11 comments:
I love this post and I hope this next year will be a great one!
I'm like you Kira.. I never need my alone quite time.. I love being around my girls and when they're both in school..I will have to get a job or something!
only good things can come if each year keeps getting better. miss you!
Thank you. What a great reminder and you put it into words beautifully. Here's to an even better next year. Love ya.
Kira, You are such an inspiration to me. i love to read your blog because you are so well grounded. So firm in your faith. How do you do it everyday? Your foundation is so strong and immovable. I know Sam must be so proud of you. He has got to be up there saying "Yep, that's my girl." I will always remember your sweet family over at our home that one Sunday. Thank you for all that you do each day. Fighting courageously to be be a good mom. Not only are you making a difference to your children but to all of us. I am in awe.
PS. Will you email me you phone number? I would love to catch up with you. sjmpopstar@gmail.com
Kira, you are awesome! That was such a neat post. I love the quotes coupled with your insight and your growth over the past 3 years. It was good to talk to you yesterday.
kira i have always thought you were amazing! any single mom is. {especially when its not your choice.} but more so this week i have thought about you with my friend Kari's husband being tragically killed. You women are amazing and i know your husbands give you strength from up above. I hope your kids will always remember what an amazing man Sam was.
Amazing what your words do to all of us around you who have and still loves sam. Three years.... how quickly time flies but only to give us one moment in time to reflect all the treasured memories. If he was your very best firend, can you imagine what he meant to all of us? I came in sooo late into his life, but I can never explain or regret what he meant to me. Misty eyes and all when I think about him which is so often. Can you believe Zakiyy still has his obituary above his bed as if our sam is an angel that watches over him each night as he rest his sleepy head. I love and miss you guys very much and it's so great to see your strength and your courage to continue to teach us all what you've learned in these past 3 yrs. xoxoxoxoxoxox ALWAYS!
Kira, You HAVE come such a long way. I'm so glad you are getting your footing and that Emett is so happy. Umm, when the heck are you going to list me on your 'fun blog's?? :) Have a Merry Christmas and thanks for the grape juice...it's my fave.
Tjel always tells me to worry about it when it happens. I think that is truly a gift. SO happy to hear each year is getting better!
Kira, we love you and think about you all the time. Thank you for the beautiful Christmas card and for being such an inspiration to me as a mommy. When I have a rough time leaving Zoey for school in the morning, I often think, "If Kira can do what she does, I can do this." In no way am I comparing my situation to yours, just thanking you for giving me the strength to do the seemingly hard things in my life. Why can't we be next door neighbors?
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