Merry Christmas

This was our last Christmas with "daddy"!

Top Ten Reasons Why I Love and Miss Sam!!

I can't believe another year has come and gone. I keep thinking Sam should be heading home, just finishing a two year Mormon mission! How exciting that would be. I am trying to make the two year mark more light hearted so here I go with my top ten list. It's really in no particular order.

1. Sam was a much better cleaner than I am. He always cleaned the bathrooms. I loved it! He also was such a huge help in the kitchen.

2. I loved that he was so much taller than me. He would give me picky back rides, carry me on his shoulders and gave the best hugs.

3. I absolutely loved watching him play with Emmet and Emery. He was always so inventive with them. One of the hardest things for me to cope with is the fact that Sam doesn't have the opportunity to play with his kids, because he loved it!

4. I love sitting in the passenger seat. Sounds silly, but I hate driving.

5. I miss playing tennis, soccer, and going on bike rides. I especially miss going on walks with him.

6. I miss our gospel discussions. We would talk for hours about religion. I have so many questions I still want to discuss with him!

7. I loved that he brought out the fun side in me and helped me not be such a stick in the mud. So many times I would complain about going to a shower or some church function. Sam would convince me to go telling me I would have fun. He was always right. I loved that he would wait up for me to hear all about it!

8. I miss our road trips. We had so much fun driving to California on a whim, relaxing in Mexico or exploring the East coast. He was the best travel companion. Some of our best conversations where during our road trips.

9. I miss his gorgeous blue eyes that always lit up when I walked into the room.

10. I miss and still love my best friend who always helped me be the best I could be and saw my potential. He would never let me criticize myself because he would tell me it hurt too much to hear someone talk so negatively about his favorite person!!

Tree Hunting

I was thinking of one of my favorite holiday memories with Sam . It was Emery's first Christmas and the day after Thanksgiving. Chance was visiting and the five of us headed north to cut down a fresh tree. This was a novelty for us because in AZ we use fake trees! It was a cold morning, but we had so much fun. It was actually quite hard to pick out the "perfect" tree. I remember Chance getting so irritated with us because we were taking such a long time to pick out a tree. What I laugh the most about is how we discarded the tree. Sam just chucked it off our apartment balcony.

Little Moments of Joy

I get asked often what I've learned since Sam has died. I feel it's a loaded question because there's still so much for me to learn, but the past few weeks I've tried to stop and really enjoy the sweet moments I have with my kids. I have found the most comfort and joy in very simple events. I was baking for a young women's activity, I had Christmas music on, Emery was playing in the sink and Emmet was at my feet playing Bakugan and I hadn't felt that happy in a long time. I've realized it's not the big events that bring me joy, but very quiet subtle moments. How grateful I am for those. I'm hoping many moments of "joy" happen in the next few weeks. I thought this year the holidays would be easier, but I'm also learning that it's going to take a lot longer than I thought to make it through the holidays without tears.

I run my own personal nudist colony...

Seriously, I feel like I live in a nudist colony. I think my children are dressed and the next thing I know one of them or both are completely naked. 90% of the time my kids are naked. If you drop by my home unexpectedly you will probably see a cute naked bum running by. It is beginning to drive me crazy. Emery is especially bad. I keep catching her outside riding her bike without any underwear on. I'm sure the neighbors think we're crazy. The first week we were in our house Emmet ran outside buck naked and peed in the rocks just as my next door neighbors were coming home. It was a great introduction. Thanks to her older brother's example, Emery complains that she's not allowed to pee in the rocks. Unfortunately I have caught her trying several times. You would think a 3 and 5 year old could keep themselves dress! I'm going crazy!!!

Grief Help...

A lot of people ask me questions about grief and what they can do for friends who have lost loved ones and I give suggestions, but ironically I don't always feel like I'm an authority on the subject. I just finished reading, "The Grief Recovery Handbook". It was recommended to me and the first book I've ever read about grief. I felt like this book was quite educational and helped explain what grief is and how we aren't raised to be equipped with "loss". I don't recommend buying it unless you have lost a loved one, but I recommend anyone to read the first chapters because it just helped explain what people who have lost loved ones are going through and I think even I will be better equipped to help, "mourn with those that mourn." This book also validated most of the feelings I've felt in the last two years and makes me realize how normal my feelings have been!!

Bakugan Anyone?

Emmet is in love with Bakugan. Bakugan are little round balls that when they connect with a magnet they pop open. I am not kidding Emmet asks me daily to call the local Wal-Marts and Targets to see if the stores have any Bakugan. Usually they don't this toy is in such demand. This last Saturday Emmet's grandpa (Sam's dad) took Emmet to Toys R Us to a Bakugan tournament. Emmet played one round. He lost, but he was also the youngest kid there by three years. Despite losing Emmet couldn't stop talking about it. He is obsessed. Everyday I'm trying to avoid calling stores and playing round after round of Bakugan. I usually have played at least one round of Bakugan by 8am!!